Envy

 [I just need to point out that this started off as a serious entry... and it just turned to shit somewhere in the middle. Even I have no idea what happened, and I'm the one who wrote it... /facepalm  
waiiiit, technically that's how most of my entries go.]

To Envy something...
To Covet something that others have...
To Want something that you just can't seem to get...
To Yearn for a feeling that you once had but let it slip away...

Not spiteful envy
To be envious is to be jealous
Not hateful jealousy... is there such a thing? I believe there is. Everyone envies those who has something that they don't have but desperately want. Not always material things. Like houses, cars, money, etc.

I envy those "happy relationship" people. The ones that found the person they want to care about and will get the same in return. To be needed and wanted and thought about everyday is what I envy that others have. I don't pity myself in that respect because I haven't found it yet. It might come and it might not. I am easily forgettable, and although I will give the effort, it's never returned. You want to try, yet the other does not want to. Then you lose the feelings because you don't want to chase something that doesn't want to be chased. You don't want to put anymore effort into something that will never be. You don't want to keep caring for someone that will never have the same feelings for you no matter how long you are willing to wait. They move on quickly and you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?
To have someone that will look at you and think you are the perfect person for them. They want nothing else and no one else but you. They want to try for you. To make sure you are taken cared of. They want to make sure you're happy and make sure that they are the ones making you happy.
I am envious of this. I am envious of everyone in happy relationships. Like I said before it's not spiteful, hateful, jealous, mean envy... It's just something that I am happy that others have, and I want it too... eventually... maybe. Oh here a better example... so green is normally associated with envy... soooo think of it like green with a little bit of pink splashed in there... oh shit wait, that just makes it look like puke... nevermind!!! scratch the happy envy color attempt. anywhos...

I thought about an internet meme that I seen a while back. I laughed at this the first time I saw it... Now I just feel bad... Poor Taylor Swift... I feel your pain. LOL... see I still laughed. Offtrack a bit: Although I'm not into her music, I watch her on late night talk shows, and she's just friggen adorable. but anyways...

And that quote... geez, I can relate.
Hey Fuck buddy!... done... *fist bump*... "now get out of my house"... I was sooo kidding it doesn't happen like that... TMI? don't care!
Maybe I should start having some self respect. Filter what I choose to share, keep whatever shread of dignity I have left... but that's no fun.
Geez, I just went totally off the topic... First I'm talking about that I envy people in committed relationships, then I'm over here joking about fuck buddies. aye, I seriously have like ADD or something. No it just goes back to humor hiding my pain and insecurities... Pshaw, look at that, Who says I need therapy... I can threapitize myself for FREE. and just FYI Therapitize is now a word in my dictionary. Cripes shut up already... nah...
Everyone that knows me knows I don't have a vindictive bone in my body. If something shitty happens in my life that would normally get a freak out moment by most. I just take it for what it is. Slap a smile on my face and bottle everything in for a while.
I'm so over writing this one. my head hurts... now let me go find more quotes just for more space filler.

Money changes people?

People would be lying if they said that having money wouldn't change them.
If you were born into money, you really wouldn't know if anything would be any different.
But to have came into money during your life would be the true test on whether or not you change by having a fatter bank account now. 
In any small way it would change you. Even if it was for the good. Even to become charitable is a change. You'll be spending money on things you wouldn't normally spend it on for the good.
Would your personality change? For most people, it might. But that would be the ultimate test on how much the people in your life mean to you. Would you think you're better then them now, and think that they're all beneath you? Hey now, I've watched those "I won the lottery" documentaries. I see what it does to people. And even sadder, what it does to the people around you.

I can almost grantee that if people you know right now were born into wealth (or vice versa), you wouldn't know eachother. Not that they would be awful people that they wouldn't be your friends, but simply that they wouldn't live where you live. They'd live in better, ritzy neighborhoods if not a friggen castle. High school friends that either would have been home schooled, or went to private school. You wouldn't know them because they would have been brought up in a different area so you would never have even met them. 
I though about this topic because as I see friends tote about their name brand expensive purses and I can't fathom spending $200+ on a purse. If I had that kind of money, would I really buy something like that?... As much as I say I wouldn't, I really think I would.
Especially if one was born rich, they wouldn't know any other way. What's Walmart? What are generic brand alternatives?  Coupons?... I know not of these things.

Of course I'm just stereotyping the rich and privileged. I know there are those wealthy as shit people that choose to live normal low key lives. How can you not have the utmost respect for those people. I'd like to think that if I was wealthy I'd be the same. I'd act the same way and do the same crazy things that I do. Less stress of course not having to think about money struggles. I'm not just saying this to make myself look better but I'd be more charitable. I'm a bit selfish with my money now because I don't have a lot of it duh.
But anywhos... rambling thoughts are now done.
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*note that when I put the quotes up that I find, I find them after I write my entries so if anyone ever wonders that they do not always completely go with what I write and why I don't elaborate on the sayings, that is why... I just like them, so I put them. perfect example is the last pic... Friggen Unicorns and Rainbows ... Badass!!! haha

Sleep or lack there of

I haven't had a full nights sleep in so long. Three to Four hours of sleep a night is not bad. At least I'm getting sleep right? Seven to eight hours of deep sleep is what you're supposed to be getting. I still function fine on the sleep that I get. It's not totally terrible yet, but it's just not good for the body and mind.
Getting too little sleep can have serious health consequences, including depression, weight gain, and heart disease. Yeah, not good. But there's so many reasons why people get little sleep or don't sleep at all. I understand there are valid reasons why. Working late, studying, etc. For those, it's not every night. The off nights they will catch up on their sleep, I shall assume :-)

I haven't been gaming much lately so that's not whats keeping me awake. Weight gain isn't an issue, it's actually slowly dropping. The heart disease worries me because smoking along with taking "the pill" it also increases risk of heart disease. I always say depression is a choice and I choose not to be depressed so that's not an issue. Denial about that last one maybe?... meh, maybe that's a topic for another time... maybe. And my immune system is just fine. As far as I can tell, I'm not easily susceptible to illness. Headaches, tummy aches, yeah, but nothing serious. geez, now that I mentioned it, I might get sick... ohhh well, maybe I can finally use my sick time. soo kidding.

I don't not sleep on purpose. I love sleep. If I know I can sleep in late, I try as much as possible to do it. I set my alarm for a good 8+ hours. Most times I wake up before my alarm and I can't fall back asleep. Or I get into bed at a decent hour and just can't fall asleep so I get up and do something, I don't like just laying in bed. The mind wanders and for some fucked up reason all the depressing things in your life comes rushing into your head. The things that during the day you try to occupy yourself with something else to keep them out of your head. And that's when you get out of bed to try to occupy your mind with something else be it TV, HULU, Netflix, video games, reading, writing WoW stories, making dumb videos, playing facebook bingo while smoking on your balcony... hehe.
But in all seriousness, like I said, I don't do it on purpose. I know I get tired, I know I'm tired during the day and normally I can fall asleep like a friggen baby. I know what will help. I know alcohol knocks me out, but I don't wanna take that route and I have thought about trying over the counter sleep aids. If it gets worse and I end up not sleeping at all then I will resort to that. But for now the sleep I get is good enough.

Love quotes

I liked these... so it's just an entry in itself.
No need for me to explain anything.
I have no feelings to express on the topic aside from these...
:-)

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and these next ones are just because they were funny to me and to lighten the mood a bit

These are not Skully's cookies!!

The downside of having a long break away from work is that my mind wanders. Not destructive thoughts or anything, but just reflecting on everything going on in my simple yet complicated bubble that I live in. I guess in some way it is considered self destructive. A lot of hind sight goes on in my head. I don't dwell on the past but I take it as a learning experience. It's just a matter of me sticking to it in the present.
As much as I wanna play the victim, really I'm not. I've done my fair share of lying and hurting others, and of course I've been lied to and hurt myself. I'm no angel, come on, nobody fuckin is. From alligator tears to staying with someone because it was comfortable even though both sides knew there was nothing there anymore and then me taking full blame when it all went to shit. But like I said, learning experience. Each mistake I take to the next.

I am complicated to read I know. I think I want one thing one minute and then it can change at the drop of a dime. Everyone has issues whether you want to admit it or believe it or not. So I'm not writing this pointing out my issues pretending like people reading this thinks I'm fuckin nuts. Y'all are just as nuts as I am. You just have bounderies and choose not to share them. lol. That is the actions of a normal person I'm sorry to say. And I... am not normal :-P I'm kidding, I'm completely normal.
Anywhos, I find it funny when people say that they know what I was thinking or feeling. Sometimes they're right, but most times they're not and I don't have the heart to tell them they were wrong. That's not lying... is it? eww maybe it is. I guess it is when I agree and say "yes, you are right".
In my defense these actions do not come until I feel that I've been wronged. In any way. In any little white lie. I give every opportunity to be honest and when that terrible gut feeling comes in, yeah the girls know what the fuck that feeling is (and they're usually right), that's when I shut down, and start to find every single tiny reason It won't work just to make myself feel better. It don't matter the effort I gave in the beginning, that's never good enough. Then I will shut down and not fully care. Alligator tears mixed in with real ones... but give me about a week and it will completely go away.
Now I'm all about signs and subconscious reasons, etc... Aunty Patty made me these awesome cookies. She has that edible ink printer that you can put pictures on cakes and other stuff. People back home started to call me Pinky after I colored my hair pink. The name stuck for a while. Few people still call me that, but it's not the current. Skully took over the nickname spot for the past 5 years. Everything is Skully now. Why was Pinky put on the cookies instead of Skully. Well Aunty Patty calls me Christine so that really doesn't count. It's not a big deal or anything, but this is where I say signs come in. When I was back home, I'm not saying I was a ho or anything, but I didn't let much bother me or get me down, and guys didn't phase me much. So getting back to my cookie point. My sign just came in the form of a cookie. I need to bring Pinky's guy mentality back. She cared to a point, but she never got hurt. A 6 year relationship takes a toll on you and fucks with your feelings towards the next person making you want more from someone, but you really don't... I had a momentary lapse in judgement recently. oops, my bad.

Encyclopedia ramblings

Why the heck does a book set of the Encyclopedia Britannica cost so damn much!?!??!
actually I know why it costs so much. it's because the special glue they use to glue the books together. fricken kidding
Anywhos, there's so much information in those books. It's actually a small price to pay for so much knowledge.
I know you can find any information on the internet but I wanna learn about stuff and not have to sit at a computer and read. I would get side tracked with WoW, Hulu and Netflix. And yes I'm easily distracted by those 3 things. 
I remember having a set when I was a kid. Reading them and learning about random things starting with beginning of the alphabet. never finished it of course. So really if anyone asks me what is my favorite book, I'd say it's the Encyclopedia. oh shit, the dictionary is not far behind tho.
Just because I say school isn't for me doesn't mean I don't like to learn new things.
To not want to learn new things is rather depressing. I always say I'm not book smart, but I know some random useless information shit. Imagine if I had a set of the current encyclopedia... holy shit I'd be so smart... you know I'm kidding. My tiny brain wouldn't retain any of what I read. :-P

Maturity

Maturity does not come with age. I know many people younger then me that are mature far beyond their years and of course you have the older ones that have not one mature bone in their body. Ones reactions to things, how they conduct themselves, and how they act towards other people are just a few things that shows how mature someone is. There are certain things people can be mature about and certain things that they don't handle well. Do they realize how awful they look right now? or do they not give a shit.
I make my observations and I have my opinions but I really have no room to judge anyone for how mature they are being. As far as knowing how to conduct myself when something doesn't go the way I planned, or hoped for that matter, I think I do well at controlling my emotions now even though I want to scream and throw a fit (maybe not that drastic, but you get my point) and then as far as the things I do and choose to share I am far from mature in that department. I always say my apartment looks like a little girl lives here. hehe. Childlike if you will. No adult theme to my decorating at all. :-)  But that's immature in a different way then the point of this entry anyways.

It's not even a matter of caring what others think of you, it's a matter of how you want to show that yes I can handle shitty situations. Taking ownership for the results and not blaming everyone if something went wrong. You let it go, move on and you know what you need to do to change things.
I have my moments, I honestly do. I remember when I used to share it with the facebook world. Slipping into a depression over something and then emo attention posting on facebook didn't make it any better. But you get hurt, and I understand that. Then reality sets in and you realize that wasn't the way to handle things. Wasn't very mature was it? Not really but you needed that. Venting is ok, But be aware of how you're doing it. Because I can tell you right now, not everyone is receptive of the way people choose to vent their frustrations... just comes off as immature and you come off looking very childish. I try not to slip down that path again.

When I really think about it, I have friends that would be there yes, but because I think about everyone else's feelings before my own, Why would I want my friends to have to worry about me, an adult, and the shit that's going on in my life. They have their own lives, why do I want to bring my issues into their lives. I guess that's what friends are for. Its funny because I feel terrible when I drop shit on my friends but I always welcome them to vent to me anytime that they need. Everyone needs to vent and share their feelings. To have someone to just talk to helps a lot as well. I talk to friends but I talk to myself mostly... and it helps... crazy.   :-P

Selfish

This word always is looked at as a negative.
When we think of the word right off the bat, we think of people not sharing, only caring about themselves, lacking consideration for others. When you put it like that then shit yeah it sounds horrible.
We never think about the positive side of being selfish. Sometimes you just have to. If you like being a doormat the rest of your life then yes... live a selfish free life by all means. I know there's another term for it, but I ain't smart so I don't know what it is. So I'll just stick with selfish. But anyways ya'll know what I'm saying... Don't just pass something great up because you're too nice and think others will see you as a twat for pushing yourself to get it before anyone else.

I won't be talking about only being selfish with material things either.
Job promotions for instance. If you are up for the promotion, but decline it because you think it's selfish to push hard to get it. NO! life don't work that way little missy, you go for that shit!

Someone you know wants to borrow money and say's she'll pay you back... You know you ain't gonna see that money again so you say no. And she calls you selfish.... Of course it is, but it's also smart.

Now this is a tough situation here. You have a tray of 5 chocolate cupcakes you were gonna eat yourself. Fat dog in the corner has a bowl with none... are you gonna give fat dog some cupcakes?... you know what, in this case it's ok to be selfish.
a) chocolate will KILL him... and b) he's a fat dog and don't need cupcakes.
So see good selfishness on your part. Well I guess it kinda falls into being a good pet owner more so, but meh!!!

And finally my 'selfish with people example'. If you are seeing/dating 2 people at the same time, and those 2 people want to start seeing other people and still see you at the same time, is it selfish for you to say "NO you can't!" Well for fuck sake of course it's being selfish!... don't be selfish!... slaves were freed a long time ago, you don't own them. Wait unless you really did buy them, like from a black market or something. Then yes, they are property and you may do what you please with them.
OK you all better know I was SOOOO kidding with that last one.
Buying people from the Black Market = Bad!!!

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just wanted to say that this was written after a night of no sleep.
SOOO just to get out my point after yet another inconsistent rambling the following quote pretty much sums up my initial intention of this topic.

Expectation

William Shakespeare said it best. "Expectation is the root of all Heartache"

You start something, be it a relationship in this case, with every wonderful expectation in the world. You can't do that. It always leads to someones heart getting hurt.
To stop expecting someone to do something, to be there, to give a shit, to simply care, will solve all your heartache problems really. Think about it. If you detach yourself from ever expecting anything, you are less likely to get hurt. You are less likely to look like a fool when the other person decides that you are not the right fit for them. And you are left standing there with your bleeding heart in your hands because it was just ripped out buy the person you expected would never hurt you.. Oh well, that was dramatic.

In my eyes soul mates are a myth. People throw that term around too loosely nowadays. You say you found that one person you were meant to be with... um yeah, I don't think so. You say you found that one person that you connect with on every level... um yeah just wait for it. You say you want to spend the rest of your life with that person... hahahaha. So you expect so much and put that person on such a high pedestal and the expectation for the perfect person gets shattered when they mess up. When you expect for them to do something that they say they will do, no matter the scale, and they let you down... who's the dummy here? you, who foolishly expected them to actually follow through... or the person who just fucked you sideways.
And back to that fricken Soulmate crap. I myself have not ever found this person, nor do I think I want to. I am fearful of that time. I think it's safe to say that my soulmate is my boogeyman, haha. I will run for the fuckin hills if I ever meet him.
Because I dread having to go through what I see other people going through I don't have high expectations for anyone coming into my life because of it. You trust someone, so you let them in but the walls will still stay up. They won't come down for anyone. It's such a headache. A cycle for me, over and over and over. Lies, hurt, let down, fail... rinse repeat. Sadly when I just said that I wasn't always at the receiving end.  But I don't expect anything from anyone... Ever. I just have low or no expectations at all. It's like, I don't expect anything from you... so don't expect it from me. You want to do what you want... so I'll do what I want. tit for tat... "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". That's how I justify my actions. It's not the best way to go about life but it makes me feel better knowing that you can't fuck me over because I'm ten steps ahead of you.
Whoa, this just got really depressing and made me look like an evil twat. oh well.

But no seriously I'm fine people. Don't ask me if something is wrong. I just was long overdue for another entry and this was a draft I decided to finish that was started a couple months ago. I found that Shakespeare quote and it got me thinking about family, friends and my past. Meh, But you fuckers know it's the truth. kidding... not all of you are fuckers. kidding!!!!