Expectation

William Shakespeare said it best. "Expectation is the root of all Heartache"

You start something, be it a relationship in this case, with every wonderful expectation in the world. You can't do that. It always leads to someones heart getting hurt.
To stop expecting someone to do something, to be there, to give a shit, to simply care, will solve all your heartache problems really. Think about it. If you detach yourself from ever expecting anything, you are less likely to get hurt. You are less likely to look like a fool when the other person decides that you are not the right fit for them. And you are left standing there with your bleeding heart in your hands because it was just ripped out buy the person you expected would never hurt you.. Oh well, that was dramatic.

In my eyes soul mates are a myth. People throw that term around too loosely nowadays. You say you found that one person you were meant to be with... um yeah, I don't think so. You say you found that one person that you connect with on every level... um yeah just wait for it. You say you want to spend the rest of your life with that person... hahahaha. So you expect so much and put that person on such a high pedestal and the expectation for the perfect person gets shattered when they mess up. When you expect for them to do something that they say they will do, no matter the scale, and they let you down... who's the dummy here? you, who foolishly expected them to actually follow through... or the person who just fucked you sideways.
And back to that fricken Soulmate crap. I myself have not ever found this person, nor do I think I want to. I am fearful of that time. I think it's safe to say that my soulmate is my boogeyman, haha. I will run for the fuckin hills if I ever meet him.
Because I dread having to go through what I see other people going through I don't have high expectations for anyone coming into my life because of it. You trust someone, so you let them in but the walls will still stay up. They won't come down for anyone. It's such a headache. A cycle for me, over and over and over. Lies, hurt, let down, fail... rinse repeat. Sadly when I just said that I wasn't always at the receiving end.  But I don't expect anything from anyone... Ever. I just have low or no expectations at all. It's like, I don't expect anything from you... so don't expect it from me. You want to do what you want... so I'll do what I want. tit for tat... "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". That's how I justify my actions. It's not the best way to go about life but it makes me feel better knowing that you can't fuck me over because I'm ten steps ahead of you.
Whoa, this just got really depressing and made me look like an evil twat. oh well.

But no seriously I'm fine people. Don't ask me if something is wrong. I just was long overdue for another entry and this was a draft I decided to finish that was started a couple months ago. I found that Shakespeare quote and it got me thinking about family, friends and my past. Meh, But you fuckers know it's the truth. kidding... not all of you are fuckers. kidding!!!!

Thank You... simple right?

Is it common courtesy to say "Thank you" if someone does something nice for you or is it something that you need to be taught from a young age. My family was always very quick to say their pleases and thank yous. But I'd like to think that I learned to do it not only from them, but because it was the right thing to do. The polite thing to do and it showed that you had manners for cripes sake. Well I'm not the poster child for manners per se but aside from my rather TMI nature of some content I choose to speak about and share, as far as being polite, I know for a friggen fact that I do that just fine.
Many people do wonderful things for me and I never miss the opportunity to tell them "Thank you". I do take notice when I do something, or I see other people do nice things for someone, and they never so much as say Thank you. Nothing was even acknowledged that a kind gesture was just made towards them.  I don't care how small it was, the fact that someone did something nice, deserves a Thank You, don't you think?

Oh Skully, you're just being overly sensitive about this... Big deal someone didn't say Thank You after you made them dinner, held the door open, watched their kid, fixed their broken window, bought them their favorite ice cream... I know I know, I need to get over it. It might not have been something they felt was worth a Thank You. I don't fish for acknowledgements when I do something nice, I'm just saying that the more and more you do something nice for people and the fact that you see it wasn't given so much as an appreciative thought, makes you not want to try to do nice things for them anymore. Makes you feel like they didn't care about what you did... they didn't like it so it didn't deserve a Thank you no matter how much effort they know you put into it.

Relationships...

In terms of dating, the word relationship can mean many different things to different people. I will mostly share what I've seen and heard from others, but will add my feelings in them as well, of course.
No one knows how long a relationship is going to last right off the bat. "That's the man/woman I'm gonna marry" when you just saw the person. 75% of the time, people are just joking about it with their friends. Another way of saying that person is fuckin hot. :-)  But the other 25% are actually psycho stalkers/murderers... lol. I need a stalker... a nice one tho... one that won't kill me. hmm nvmd that's impossible. anyways... stalker sidetracked.
Fuck buddies are not considered a way of dating in many people's eyes. If both parties are ok with no feelings attached and just hook up for sex then that will work out. If both parties are exclusive to only each other, then great! more power to them. I've seen one relationship start off like this and that turned into a serious relationship still going strong. Damn those feelings, they always get in the way. kidding. I guess that's one way to start it off, I mean cuz yeah, you gotta talk right?... I guess. But the more you talk, the more you find that you really like that person and want to be around them more.
As much as having a FtF is frowned upon by a lot of people, I admire this way. You're both honest from the beginning of what you want and what you expect. Don't expect labels, don't expect me to take you out, don't expect me to call you and ask how your day was, don't expect me to spend the night, don't expect anyone in my life to know about you, don't expect me to be exclusive...Laid out flat right from the beginning. Up to you if you want to choose to accept this. No it's not dating, but it's honest. Don't drag someone along with lies because you're worried they will leave. If that's the case then offer them something more. In other words, don't be a fuckin pussy.
The confusing ones is where 2 people are not on the same page.  No communication, one thinks they are in a relationship while the other just wants to mess around. Not good. Boundaries and intentions were not set from the beginning and someone ends up getting hurt. Seen friends go through this, it sucks. You want to tell them to wake up, but can't say much because you haven't experienced it yourself.... So you will get the "you don't know..." response.  I'd like to say it happens when you're younger, because you'd like to think the older and wiser you get the more you'll learn. not the case. And something needs to change if it's happening to you over and over again.  Unless you like this then go nuts.
The honest relationship is the one everyone ultimately wants right? The relationship where you openly say, this is my gf/bf, I'm dating this person and I want people to know about it. And although they don't know each other very well they will work on getting to know eachother as much as they can as they go along. But the effort was made from the beginning to put that label on it and that shows a lot. Makes them feel like they both want to try. Then if that leads to something long term then great!. But they will not hide anything from the other.
Situations where discretion is priority will always suck because the negatives will float through your mind. It makes you feel like you're not good enough to be shown off. You feel like the other person is ashamed of you. Like they're trying to hide you. Like that person is trying to hide something from you, or you from something/someone else. Like you're not good enough for them to openly give you that coveted boyfriend/girlfriend label. Your mind reverts back to dishonesty, lies and cheating thoughts. Its a natural reaction and like all your options you need to figure out if you want to go through this like it is or take your leave sooner then later. To be made to feel like things needs to be kept secret will always make you feel like just a fuck buddy. So you accept it and take it for what it is. Just go with the flow and don't ask questions. If discretion wasn't the intention then it all falls back onto communication. I have a lot of opinions and thoughts, but I don't always choose to share them for fear of feeling like a naive idiot. Because when I do share feelings I end up looking like an asshole and feel terrible when my mouth won't shut the fuck up :-) But that's my own hang ups I need to work on... and the wall will stay up.
(I know there was more to this entry but I will end it here... If I do decide to continue this I'll just make a part 2)

Intimidation?

 Started this post on 6/19/14

I was told I was intimidating today. Sooo... I asked why?... Apparently it wasn't said to be a negative thing. Just that I have lot of opinions about things, it doesn't seem like I let people walk over me, I tell it like how it is, I carry myself well, and dare the person actually used the word "confident"
I guess I do carry myself with some kind of confidence. But it's not a constant. I get terribly nervous, shy, embarrassed at times, was that last one hard to believe?.. hehe.
So in the end I guess it was a nice compliment, just threw me off guard because I do not even see myself intimidating a fly. Wait no I hate flies, If one gets into my house I will not stop hunting it until I either kill it or let it go back outside. But anyways, just thought I'd share an interesting observation by one person. But the more you get to know me the more you see I'm not intimidating one bit. I'm a dork, I always say I march to beat of my own nutty drum.
________________________________

 continued 7/19/14

wow finally decided to post this exactly a month later :-P

Intimidating by general definition is to make one fearful. Fear of injury or harm. To deter. To threaten.
I in no way resemble the general definition. haha. I welcome people to talk to me unless they are complete douchebag assholes, in that case fuck off  :-P

Anywhos, so yeah I'm not intimidating. Being so scatter brained over shadows my intimidation factor in my eyes. But why can't you carry both at the same time? I don't know, maybe because when I think of someone who I would label as intimidating, I think of them having their shit together. I don't see it as a negative word to describe someone, I just see it as someone so full of confidence that nothing bothers them, and nothing can bring them down. Intelligence is very intimidating, in a good way. It's damn sexy imo. I'm dumb so that rules me out. /sadness jk ok now im just rambling to fill space. so yeah.

Self Deprecating vs Self Loathing

Big difference....

Self-Deprecating
modest about or critical of oneself, especially humorously so.

Self-Loathing
refers to an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudice against oneself.

Yes they both sound very negative if you are not familiar with each definition. Hence the word "self" at the beginning of both, they describe the way you feel about yourself. 
Self deprecation can be annoying, but it is harmless. I use it to make myself feel better about the way I feel, act, or look. If I can point out the reasons I do the things that I do, or the terrible way I look before anyone else can... I am satisfied. In my opinion, the self deprecating people don't do it for pity, they don't do it to hear people try to contradict them. We do it to make light of our view of ourselves. We point out whats wrong and for the most part laugh it off. To be critical of oneself yet have the humor that goes along with it to make jokes about it and when someone laughs, you laugh along with them. You just beat them to the punch. Most self deprecating comments are light-hearted. They are not damaging. They are not intended to derive pity from the ones that we choose to share things with. It's pointing out the things I'm ashamed about, but I'm not fishing for someone to come along and tell me otherwise. But when they do, it is appreciated, and I giggle and say thank you...haha... see I just laughed right there :-P

Self Loathing on the other hand... I don't think I've ever fell into this category. No matter how much I disliked the things I've done in the past or the person I was, I never thought of myself as self loathing. I didn't hate myself THAT much I guess. I knew some people that were self loathing. To be around them was depressing. Constantly putting themselves down in a extremely negative way, allowing no room for someone to even make an attempt at trying to snap them out of it. When hatred and self pity pours out it's hard to be around someone like that. People give up on you and you're left being alone. Which is what you don't want in the first place. Friends can handle so much, before you make them feel like all their attempts to help you and show you your worth and what you mean to them comes to an end.  And when you feel abandoned by your friends and family, drastic steps comes flooding through your head.
Maybe I'm oblivious to it now because I try to see the positive in everything as of late, but I know not one self loathing person. Which is the way I like it.
Wait my sister is kinda getting me worried...
Mish!!! I'm fuckin kidding!

Smile

A simple smile...

A facial expression so easy to do that you wonder why everyone doesn't do it more often. It's contagious. You can't help but to smile back when someone smiles at you. If you don't, then fuck off. oh no wait, unless the person is a creeper stalker... then yeah, hell no... run!!!
When you walk around with an angry expression all the time people will avoid you as much as possible because you just look mean and unapproachable. That was your intention? you did it well. You walk around pissed of at the world, pissed off at your life. So why not change it and be happy.
Then there are the ones that say a smile is also a sign of weakness. People tend to take advantage of the weak ones. Having a smile on your face always indicated that you were indeed nice and a good heart always went along with it. And this is where the kind-hearted get corrupted. They take to the ones that need help and eventually with time get burned. The smile quickly goes away and your open-mindedness about humanity gets pushed out and resentment and sometimes even fear replaces it. Fear of having to witness such heartless despicable acts carried out by the ones you let in. Depending on the severity of what happened, you might give kindness another shot. But we all know eventually something else will happen. Something else will break you down. It's just a matter of when you want to smarten up and say "I think that's enough hurt"
When people say, I'm not fake, and I'm not gonna walk around with a fake smile on my face, although that is commendable, sometimes you just have to. It gets people off your back, and having to explain to them what's wrong gets tiring.
The feelings that I want hidden will stay hidden. But I don't have much I'm secretive about. I'm open with everything for the most part. The feelings that I would like to share but will not come out right away, I will make known that something is bothering me. It's a matter of people reading my face, body language, my sudden change in moods, and my tendency to stare off into space and look lost... those are my signs. Some people catch on, but they don't know me well enough to ask whats bothering me, and some just don't care to notice, which is totally fine. I'd like to say I have enough control to know when I'm doing it, but most times I don't realize it until someone is asking me whats wrong. Depending on how I think the other person can take it and the reactions I will have to deal with, I usually say nothing. But you see... all that can be avoided by a simple smile. If you smile, no one thinks anything of it. No one thinks something is wrong and they won't ask questions. You want to hide all your feelings behind a smile, fake or not, it might be the smart way to go.
The ones closest to me know my smiles are always genuine. To go about with everyday life not even cracking a smile is just depressing.
To smile is attractive.
To laugh is attractive.
To have a sense of humor is attractive.
just smile :-)
Makes everything better.

Belief in the Unknown

A friend showed me a video today that had me thinking about more then the intended intention of the video. It was about a little girl that drew on her fish tank with a permanent marker and the mom was questioning her about it. The little girl denied it and said a ghost did it, and started to described the ghost. I knew how it was going to end because it was explained by my friend beforehand. But while it was playing and the girl was describing the ghost I couldn't help but to think 2 things, Maybe this girl really did see a ghost and she just covered it up at the end to protect her ghost friend, OR she is just a compulsive liar. Sadly im sure she was just a liar. Admitted to drawing on the dog as well. Her attitude during the whole video was priceless, then you start to think if she lies like this when she's this young... unless someone teaches her straight she gonna keep on lying. Meh, not my kid so idc.
Anywhos, Let's say this did turn out the way I was hoping for. That the little girl did actually see a ghost. While most would probably want to commit her to a mental institution or send her to therapy, some would admire her ability and want to know more. I'm the type of person that would want to know more. I refer to this as an ability because I feel that that is exactly what it is. You have the ability to see apparitions, you have the ability to see what others can't, and then you have the choice to accept what you've gotten as a gift and not a curse. While no one else can see it... you can.
Call it what you will, the paranormal, otherworldly, imaginary, supernatural, or just simply the Unknown. To believe in all of this and not only the "Haunting" part of it shows a lot of ones character. You think all ghosts are here roaming in between these plains to haunt everyone. That they are all evil and stay for devious intentions. I believe that the only reason why they are hostile is because there are people out there that go looking for trouble. They go looking to disturb spirits that just want to rest. That's when people get hurt, and then that's where people label them "haunting spirits" or "haunting ghosts"... all because of the living, they cannot rest.
As much as I believe, I have not seen for my own eyes. Everyone has their brush with a cold breezes blowing by, or temperature dropping in a sudden moment. That's an experience in itself as little as you feel that it is. Orrrr that AC just kicked on. But just because you haven't experienced anything physical doesn't mean that deep down you don't believe. I believe in the unknown. But I will not disrespect entities and go searching for them. I don't need to go to a supposed haunted house to witness one for myself. I don't need proof that they exist. I know they do and that's good enough for me.