Diet Pill addiction

*Me, Bevy, Di... senior year.

I don't know if I could categorize it as an addiction... you decide.

For the past 10 years,  or somewhere around there, I have been on somekind of diet pill 90% of the time.  After/during highschool, my heaviest was close to 255. I went on this pill that I saw advertised over the internet... and fuck I forget what it was called.... it was actually recalled but not until after I dropped to 145 in 8 months.

*w/ Niks @ Waimea Falls.. Elmo shirt FTW!!!

My weight had a lot to do with my self esteem issues back then. It makes you feel terrible, when you can't find clothes that you like that fit because they cater to the skinny girls. You can't find your size... then you have to turn around and walk your ass over to the plus size section which in your opinion at the time was styles your granny would wear.
But big shirts, jeans pants was majority of my wardrobe with little to no color. It was depressing dark colors, plain greys, blue jeans. Not fun at all.

We hide everything we're ashamed of. We flaunt everything we are proud of. When girls get offended at a guy for looking at their rack, mind you the girls are wearing the lowest cut shirts with bras that push up everything, of course someone is gonna look... what's why you wore it you twat! We know your game!!! I'm not knocking them for wearing stuff like that... Shit if I had it, I'd fuckin flaunt it (buuuut I don't so I work with what I got) but don't get mad when it attracts attention /sigh anyways back too the topic....
So along with the pills I was exercising when I got up, after work and in the night time.  3 times a day, everyday, even if only for a half an hour. I cut out soft drinks and carbs. Even rice... fuckin rice I KNOW RIGHT!!! I was working at McDonalds at the time. You would think it was difficult, but it actually wasn't. I made my own lunches... burgers with no bread, etc.

wasn't my lowest, but I couldn't find another.

After my wonderful pills were recalled I had to get on something else. My mom recommended Alli diet pills. Those are awesome but they are extremely sensitive to oil... it will not let your body absorb any of it so it would literally flush it right through your body... if you had to fart either you shove a fuckin napkin up your ass quick, run to the bathroom, or mess your panties where you stood. I fell victim to that last option the first day I took them. I learned quick and curbed the oil intake which meant I was NOT "quality checking" french fries at work. *tear*  But I think the first 2 days 6 lbs went away. Awesome... but in the end, I couldn't take the constant fear that if I had the urge to fart I was doomed. Cuz y'all know me... if I have to fart I'll just do it. Lady like or not, I ain't holding it in. Anywhos so I stopped that pill before the bottle was done. I can't remember what I moved onto next. but there were several in between then and the time I started seeing someone and left Hawaii, the urge to take any form of diet pills were gone.

March 2013

I finally had a relationship. No more chasing round boys, and the desire to drop my weight more was at a stand still... actually it was non existent. My mission to snag a guy was over. Sadly during the time we were together my weight was crawling back up. I took notice but figured, I had a guy already. I don't need to look good. he will love me no matter what I look like now. So I ate and ate and ate. 6 years later, At the end of the relationship I was 230. And now I thought I had to fuckin start all over from the beginning... Meh my fault... so what did I learn from all of that... Diet pills are my friend!!!... they make me happy... they make me skinny (not really, I wish, but to where I'm comfortable)

February 2014

Anywhos I know people that read this, who are anti-diet pills and pro-exercise and eating healthy... You can zip it cuz sometimes people need help. Even if the pills really only provide moral support and what's actually helping them lose weight is their change in diet and increased exercising habits. I think that's really what helped the first time. The mentality and drive to lose the weight and the determination to MAKE these pills work for me.
At the moment I can't seem to break 170 I KNOW it's because I'm not exercising. the pills took me down as far as they could and I need to push myself from here on out. I've been on several different ones since last March only because I wanted to see if my body was getting used to one specific pill. Just as long my weight doesn't go up, I don't care I'll keep taking them. And I will not stop taking them for fear of ballooning up again. Apparently I have no self control. w/e
I know I preach up the walls about loving the person you are and never letting anyone tell you what to do or who to be. I do this for me. No one in my life currently is telling me to do this. "Skully you need to drop a few pounds, you're pouring out of those jeans". I never heard that. Maybe I haven't because they fear my wrath. hehe kidding. I try not to buy pants that will accentuate my muffin top. As tasty as it is, it's not a good sight :-P...  But anyways
My mom worries about the effects on the rest of my body these pills might be doing damage to. My heart mainly. I'm sure there will be somekind of negative long term effects but, meh I don't plan on living forever. I think my cigarettes will kill me first. ohh that got dark quick.
I'm still alive!!!!

*these old pics were taken from Bevy and Niks' FB page. I got grossed out when I saw them post it, but appreciated that they still kept pictures like that. All my old pics are back home. and I can't flip through them like they can.