As much as I wanna play the victim, really I'm not. I've done my fair share of lying and hurting others, and of course I've been lied to and hurt myself. I'm no angel, come on, nobody fuckin is. From alligator tears to staying with someone because it was comfortable even though both sides knew there was nothing there anymore and then me taking full blame when it all went to shit. But like I said, learning experience. Each mistake I take to the next.
I am complicated to read I know. I think I want one thing one minute and then it can change at the drop of a dime. Everyone has issues whether you want to admit it or believe it or not. So I'm not writing this pointing out my issues pretending like people reading this thinks I'm fuckin nuts. Y'all are just as nuts as I am. You just have bounderies and choose not to share them. lol. That is the actions of a normal person I'm sorry to say. And I... am not normal :-P I'm kidding, I'm completely normal.Anywhos, I find it funny when people say that they know what I was thinking or feeling. Sometimes they're right, but most times they're not and I don't have the heart to tell them they were wrong. That's not lying... is it? eww maybe it is. I guess it is when I agree and say "yes, you are right".
In my defense these actions do not come until I feel that I've been wronged. In any way. In any little white lie. I give every opportunity to be honest and when that terrible gut feeling comes in, yeah the girls know what the fuck that feeling is (and they're usually right), that's when I shut down, and start to find every single tiny reason It won't work just to make myself feel better. It don't matter the effort I gave in the beginning, that's never good enough. Then I will shut down and not fully care. Alligator tears mixed in with real ones... but give me about a week and it will completely go away.
Now I'm all about signs and subconscious reasons, etc... Aunty Patty made me these awesome cookies. She has that edible ink printer that you can put pictures on cakes and other stuff. People back home started to call me Pinky after I colored my hair pink. The name stuck for a while. Few people still call me that, but it's not the current. Skully took over the nickname spot for the past 5 years. Everything is Skully now. Why was Pinky put on the cookies instead of Skully. Well Aunty Patty calls me Christine so that really doesn't count. It's not a big deal or anything, but this is where I say signs come in. When I was back home, I'm not saying I was a ho or anything, but I didn't let much bother me or get me down, and guys didn't phase me much. So getting back to my cookie point. My sign just came in the form of a cookie. I need to bring Pinky's guy mentality back. She cared to a point, but she never got hurt. A 6 year relationship takes a toll on you and fucks with your feelings towards the next person making you want more from someone, but you really don't... I had a momentary lapse in judgement recently. oops, my bad.
