Skully loves Money

Ahh money... such a dirty word. I really don't know why.
I love money. Everyone loves money even if they refuse to admit it.
You can't survive in this world without it. It buys you shit, plain and simple.
I'm saying this not as a money grubbing gold digger, but simply as someone who works for what she has and appreciates what she gets. I don't expect anyone to support me and I expect the same out of someone I'm dating. I will not provide a roof over their heads. I will not fully pay for things if we go out (Unless it's a serious relationship, but I am totally fine with splitting bills) I will not just give him money if he asks for it. I'm not a fuckin ATM, and I'm definitely not a Sugar Mama (I'm too broke for that shit).
I have no issues with paying bills on time because I don't go out anywhere... you need money to go out and to refrain from using my money, I stay in. It's sad to a point, but when you really think about it it's smart. But that's where you just have to plan out your money and make sure the first thing you do is calculate what you need for the monthly bills and put it aside and don't touch it. I have an obsession with keeping track of my money, where it's going, what I'm spending it on, what I can play with. Trust me, I don't make shit at my job, I just learned to budget every penny I have. Microsoft excel is my best friend. Every time my debit card is used or a bill is paid I am on there.
Some might think I sound very stingy with my money. Friends that know me, know that's not true. If I can help someone out I will. But I would label myself as being very frugal.
I'm not pointing out what I'm doing to brag. For cripes sake why would I be bragging about how I have to BUDGET my money? If this entry was about going out and spending money on whatever I wanted, then THAT would be bragging. And shit I wish I could be saying stuff like that, but I can't. I know people who have a hard time with money, but it's simple fixes like stop buying Gucci handbags or shopping at name brand stores, or having to go to every single concert that comes your way, or stop going out to eat, or omg the newest PlayStation came out I need it noooow... this list can go on. And I would love to say that I hope this post will help people, but it really is common sense. You'll either stop buying unnecessary things or you'll keep doing it and you'll wonder why you can't pay rent at the beginning of the month.

Insecurities

If you ever think about all your insecurities and think someone won't like you for it, just know that that person probably has, not the same, but just as much as you do. They think the same things, they have the same hang-ups. It's just a matter of letting them go and telling yourself that you are unique and someone out there is perfect for you. All those insecurities that you had fades so fast they are no longer called insecurities but simply unique traits that you learn to be comfortable with. 
When you find someone that will accept you for the person that you are. They have the same views as you. Likes the same things as you. Has the same life goals as you. Don't let them go. Waaaaait! unless they are already in a relationship... in that case sorry, you're shit out of luck... don't be a homewrecker... it's not appealing. lol.
For example I have the biggest insecurities about how my body looks without clothes on. It's not a pretty sight, fo reals. But that's normal for any girl. They will find anything wrong with them and dwell on the imperfection no matter how small others see that it is. And it's not just with us bigger girls, we all have in our heads that the skinny girls have it easy. They don't. I have a friend who is so skinny and just can't seem to gain weight it's a problem for her when she goes to buy clothes she likes because they are all too big for her. She eats like normal too... not like a rabbit nibbling on lettuce. Shes a sweetheart. I don't feel bad for her because she has a pretty face so she'll survive. kidding....Now the ones that are clearly skinny and have the balls to ask a bigger girl "do you think I look fat" needs to rethink who she should be asking for an honest opinion. Sometimes I'll be a cunt and just say "yes, you do" and then there are the times I'm feeling nice and I'm like "noooo" resisting my urge to fly a cheeseburger in her face... sooo kidding, I would never waste a cheeseburger like that. Don't get me wrong it's not jealousy one bit, it's more of me being blow away by the audacity that they just displayed. They didn't say it to rub it in and be mean, It just comes out and when you've lived your life smaller, and then you start to gain weight you will feel fat and they don't realize that asking a bigger girl for their "do I look fat" opinion is in poor taste whether it's your BFF (I can't believe I just used that fuckin term) or just someone you know.
I watch a lot of porn... WAIT!!! not A LOT... the average amount, oh who am I kidding it's a lot, anyways... so the bodies you see on those are always perfect. And then you tend to compare and see why don't my body look like that... I need a boob job, I need lypo, I need to get my asshole bleached.
Um I just realized that I could have just talked about Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or Cosmo, something less perverted then porn... /sigh fail. hehe. But it wouldn't be a Skully post without the TMI thrown in there remember.

I found this following statistic from 2010. I couldn't find an updated one. but one posted in 2004 was also the same except for height, it was an inch shorter. So yay for women getting taller!!!!

The average height and weight of women varies around the world, but in the United States the average adult female height was 63.8 inches -- approximately 5-foot-4 -- and 166.2 pounds, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Diet Pill addiction

*Me, Bevy, Di... senior year.

I don't know if I could categorize it as an addiction... you decide.

For the past 10 years,  or somewhere around there, I have been on somekind of diet pill 90% of the time.  After/during highschool, my heaviest was close to 255. I went on this pill that I saw advertised over the internet... and fuck I forget what it was called.... it was actually recalled but not until after I dropped to 145 in 8 months.

*w/ Niks @ Waimea Falls.. Elmo shirt FTW!!!

My weight had a lot to do with my self esteem issues back then. It makes you feel terrible, when you can't find clothes that you like that fit because they cater to the skinny girls. You can't find your size... then you have to turn around and walk your ass over to the plus size section which in your opinion at the time was styles your granny would wear.
But big shirts, jeans pants was majority of my wardrobe with little to no color. It was depressing dark colors, plain greys, blue jeans. Not fun at all.

We hide everything we're ashamed of. We flaunt everything we are proud of. When girls get offended at a guy for looking at their rack, mind you the girls are wearing the lowest cut shirts with bras that push up everything, of course someone is gonna look... what's why you wore it you twat! We know your game!!! I'm not knocking them for wearing stuff like that... Shit if I had it, I'd fuckin flaunt it (buuuut I don't so I work with what I got) but don't get mad when it attracts attention /sigh anyways back too the topic....
So along with the pills I was exercising when I got up, after work and in the night time.  3 times a day, everyday, even if only for a half an hour. I cut out soft drinks and carbs. Even rice... fuckin rice I KNOW RIGHT!!! I was working at McDonalds at the time. You would think it was difficult, but it actually wasn't. I made my own lunches... burgers with no bread, etc.

wasn't my lowest, but I couldn't find another.

After my wonderful pills were recalled I had to get on something else. My mom recommended Alli diet pills. Those are awesome but they are extremely sensitive to oil... it will not let your body absorb any of it so it would literally flush it right through your body... if you had to fart either you shove a fuckin napkin up your ass quick, run to the bathroom, or mess your panties where you stood. I fell victim to that last option the first day I took them. I learned quick and curbed the oil intake which meant I was NOT "quality checking" french fries at work. *tear*  But I think the first 2 days 6 lbs went away. Awesome... but in the end, I couldn't take the constant fear that if I had the urge to fart I was doomed. Cuz y'all know me... if I have to fart I'll just do it. Lady like or not, I ain't holding it in. Anywhos so I stopped that pill before the bottle was done. I can't remember what I moved onto next. but there were several in between then and the time I started seeing someone and left Hawaii, the urge to take any form of diet pills were gone.

March 2013

I finally had a relationship. No more chasing round boys, and the desire to drop my weight more was at a stand still... actually it was non existent. My mission to snag a guy was over. Sadly during the time we were together my weight was crawling back up. I took notice but figured, I had a guy already. I don't need to look good. he will love me no matter what I look like now. So I ate and ate and ate. 6 years later, At the end of the relationship I was 230. And now I thought I had to fuckin start all over from the beginning... Meh my fault... so what did I learn from all of that... Diet pills are my friend!!!... they make me happy... they make me skinny (not really, I wish, but to where I'm comfortable)

February 2014

Anywhos I know people that read this, who are anti-diet pills and pro-exercise and eating healthy... You can zip it cuz sometimes people need help. Even if the pills really only provide moral support and what's actually helping them lose weight is their change in diet and increased exercising habits. I think that's really what helped the first time. The mentality and drive to lose the weight and the determination to MAKE these pills work for me.
At the moment I can't seem to break 170 I KNOW it's because I'm not exercising. the pills took me down as far as they could and I need to push myself from here on out. I've been on several different ones since last March only because I wanted to see if my body was getting used to one specific pill. Just as long my weight doesn't go up, I don't care I'll keep taking them. And I will not stop taking them for fear of ballooning up again. Apparently I have no self control. w/e
I know I preach up the walls about loving the person you are and never letting anyone tell you what to do or who to be. I do this for me. No one in my life currently is telling me to do this. "Skully you need to drop a few pounds, you're pouring out of those jeans". I never heard that. Maybe I haven't because they fear my wrath. hehe kidding. I try not to buy pants that will accentuate my muffin top. As tasty as it is, it's not a good sight :-P...  But anyways
My mom worries about the effects on the rest of my body these pills might be doing damage to. My heart mainly. I'm sure there will be somekind of negative long term effects but, meh I don't plan on living forever. I think my cigarettes will kill me first. ohh that got dark quick.
I'm still alive!!!!

*these old pics were taken from Bevy and Niks' FB page. I got grossed out when I saw them post it, but appreciated that they still kept pictures like that. All my old pics are back home. and I can't flip through them like they can.

Censored

For the most part I am a very outspoken person. Yes, sometimes I do keep my opinions to myself, but with most things I will tell it like how it is. I despise when people try to censor others for being who they are and doing what makes them happy. I'm not a globally political person but you see it all over the world. In the news, in your neighborhood, and in this case in your very own person life. My comments are strictly about friends/family trying to censor their loved ones.
As you can tell I enjoy letting others see how weird, goofy, silly, "childish" at times(most times) I really am. I have no one telling me what to do or that I should stop it. I don't hurt anyone with what I'm doing, if anything negative is coming out of this it's just that people are seeing how childish I am, and to be honest... I don't give a fuck. Their opinions mean shit to me, and I would love to tell them where they can stick their negative opinions.


Errr... let me explain. When I say "childish" I'm not talking about hurling yourself on the ground and throwing a temper tantrum kicking and screaming because you didn't get your way(yeah, that's not good). When I refer to the word, I'm thinking more along the lines of just doing things that wouldn't be frowned upon if you were lets say 10 or 20 years younger. Does it make a difference that I do look 10 years younger then what I really am. I say act your physical appearance, NOT your actual age. kidding... no I'm not. Anywhos... sidetracked... 

Imagine how you would feel if someone (just as childish, if not more) told you that something you just did and enjoyed doing (and others enjoyed it as well) was dumb, stupid, childish or any other word synonymous to those words. Would make you feel like shit right? Exactly!!! to have the support of your loved ones, especially of your other half, means everything. So when you get shot down and pretty much shit on, to me, that would be devastating. It's a cut that wouldn't fully heal knowing that someone you love and respect so much, thinks so little of you that they need to point out how dumb they thought you were being, by just expressing your (completely innocent) feelings and thoughts.
Why? is it because you're making them look bad? It is because you are voicing your opinions and passions that they don't agree with, and the people the both of you are associated with might be closed minded and frown upon what you're doing and the personality and opinions you have?
Censorship... I fuckin hate that word.
You want to censor what YOU don't understand.... what YOU feel is not of the norm... what YOU feel society doesn't approve of... what YOU feel will make you look bad... what YOU don't agree with. I think my list here can go on.

This post just showed how much of a hypocrite I am...
I'm talking about people's rights to be who they are and be outspoken and not to let anyone put that virtual duct tape over your mouth yet I sit here expressing MY urge to censor the ones that are trying to censor them. Everyone has an opinion, be it good or bad, if I agree with it or I don't. I need to let it go and just take it for what it is. Censorship is never going to go away.

Now when I think about it, when it comes down to it... my final point was not so much of censorship but of the love and support from your family and friends... that means the world to you. That is what keeps you going, what keeps you being who you truly are. And that is, in my opinion, what they should support, whether they agree with or not.

Scorpio... my beloved zodiac sign.

I love Astrology. I love how, for the most part, the signs on the Zodiac can pinpoint someone born under that symbol almost to the tee.
When I was younger, high school time... I did not represent my zodiac sign one bit. I'm not talking about the sexual part, cuz hello?!?!?! those thoughts never crossed my mind back then... seriously. I was awkward, fat, ugly and was constantly made fun of... for fucks sake I lost my Vcard at 24... oh shit TMI?? Fuuuuck IDC :-P   I'm talking about more of the emotions, personality and the passion I had about things and how I dealt with them back then. I'm not well versed in the other signs, what they bring to the table and their personality traits so I really can't say which sign I was more like.
In this entry I will not type much, but I found a lot of pics I would like to post. The first one is in my opinion the best description of my passions, my reactions to things, my personality, how I deal with things and what I desire nay demand of others. I'm saying this because it is the longest one I have ever read that 99% of it I can agree with. I'll be posting the little ones that I found that I also agreed with that all of what's written I can see in me, BUT they're just short ones so not much effort there.
When I say only 99% of "The Scorpio Woman" is me, it's because there is a part in there that states that we have a very vindictive streak. Personally I do not. If/when wronged in a relationship. I let it go with no issues. It slides off my back like I never gave a shit in the first place. I feel like dwelling on the past and trying to get even with the heartbreak that I was caused is not of my concern anymore. It won't help one bit to get even. If they want to leave and their heart isn't into it anymore, I'm the type of person to let it go... but I will NEVER forget. It will get bottled up inside and the few friends that I have will ultimately see my breakdown, but other then that I really don't think I have a vindictive bone in my body.

What I found:

Vlog conclusion

Yesterday I had a day full of random, goofy webcam videos made. some uploaded to FB and some onto a page on this blogger.
This morning when I woke up I made more videos and the bug for doing these seemed to be fading.
I guess you can say I'm a ham, but the more I watched myself the more I got annoyed.
I don't know what it is.
Listening to my voice?  Looking at my face? Hearing my opinions and thoughts repeated back to me out loud?
I'm not always an impulse driven person. I like to plan things out. If you come to me and say "hey, lets go out tonight!" most likely I'm gonna say "yeah, no". If it wasn't planned way in advance, I won't bite. Not like I have anything important to do, but sadly going home and sitting at my computer and playing WoW is considered "plans" to me.
Anyways, I kinda got off track there. impulse, riiiight. I post things on impulse. I do and say things on impulse. I never regret what I do or say in the Vlogs/ vids,  but I watch and get tired of my face.  I made that video page as an impulse that I am quickly getting tired of.

The only thing that would keep me doing it is the feedback I get. Friends on FB and just random people from Blogger site that comment or send me emails/messages on how they can relate to what I have to say makes them not feel so weird or out of place in this very judgmental world. The way I can poke fun at myself and point out every weird thing I do in the most innocent of ways. Or just having people tell me "I enjoy what you are doing","I enjoy listening to what you have to say... you make me laugh".  The more I think about it, I have to look at it as, I am the "norm". I am the average girl (old lady w/e). I'm just like more and more girls/ladies around these days so STOP referring to myself or the things I do as being "weird". You will always get your narrow/simple minded people that will never stop referring to you as "dumb", "weird", "stupid", "odd". And this is why you get the introverts, the loners the ones that refuse to be social with anyone or make new friends because the fear of being called all those things and possibly things that are more hurtful. When you have people like that, that don't talk very much that aren't social... these are the ones that built their defensive wall so high to protect themselves, and won't let anyone in because they have been shunned by peers in the past. It's terrible but it happens. I never demean anyone for their choice to keep to themselves. It is of their own choice, and at times, err a lot of times, I can relate.

You know what, here's the impulse coming in. I started this entry off with the intention of letting everyone know I will be stopping my video page... but that last paragraph just pointed out why I do it... and I enjoyed doing it. I really don't stick to topic, but the gist gets out so I will end this here.

Not Hawaii News

After moving away from Hawaii, I have maybe watched the news 5 times, maybe 10 tops.

News here is fuckin depressing. Hawaii news was majority about the weather, the surf, events, traffic, and very rarely something horrible happened. I watched the news almost everyday.
Yes I lived a very sheltered life, I lived at home until I was 27. It's not like I lived under a rock, and it's not like I was oblivious to the terrible things going on in the rest of the world. But it just wasn't around me, it wasn't in my backyard. Bad news wasn't something that I heard on a regular, everyday basis in Hawaii.
Humanity can be so kind and yet there are people in this world that just makes it an ugly place to live. I'm going to an extreme by saying even an ugly place to bring children into this world. When you have schools that are supposed to be keeping your children safe, there is always that one fuckin teacher over stepping their bounds with children. Or good lord even priests in church. I'm gonna burn for that comment huh?. meh.

You can't walk in your own neighborhood without looking over your shoulder thinking someone is gonna come and mug or murder you. You can't go out with friends thinking that if you don't stay true to the "buddy system" and wander off, you're gonna get rapped.
I work in retail, I see what levels people sink to steal things. It blows my mind how people can do this using their children to aid in their thievery. Makes me sick. And the next generation of degenerate thieves are made in that moment. They don't know any better. They see mommy doing it, it must be ok right? And they wonder why the path for their children leads right to jail.
Banks and stores being robbed because people are too fuckin lazy to get a job.
Innocent bystanders of roadrage gone out of control. I feel nothing for the idiots involved, I feel bad for the innocent and their families that have to suffer the loss of a loved one, all because someone cut someone off. Or idiots that think racing on the freeway or a deserted road is so cool. Fuckin grow up.
oops off topic...ANYWAYS.

My lack of keeping myself informed on the local news, or global news really needs to change. My Mom calls me and tells me she was just checking up on me and making sure I was ok because of a shooting that happened that she heard about and I'm all like "what shooting?". I'm on the phone with her at work so I asked coworkers and they're all like oh yeah it was a huge news, shooting ended in Walmart and people died, Co-worker's family member saw it happen...  Fuckin terrible!!
I'm torn... do I just say screw it and watch the news and be educated in current events at least? or do I still be stubborn and shut out the inevitable negativity I will be witnessing. Like I said before, I'm not oblivious to the ugliness in this world... but I need to make a decision on whether or not I want to accept it for what it is and just watch the news everyday OR!!! leave it like how it is and continue to not watch the news and keep my brain squishy and full of clouds, rainbows and unicorns... oh wait and WoW stuff... can't forget about WoW!.

Online Dating sites (6/16/14-updated)

I never was one to speak ill of online dating sites or the people that chose to sign up. However I never thought I would be making an account on one of them.
Talking with friends that have had successful relationships as a result of a dating site, started to get me hopeful. For people that have full time jobs, single parents that have kids that don't have the time to go out to social events and mingle, or who would rather talk to someone and get to know them before they meet. All these factors I've never thought about.
But then there is the other side of it. The side that will actually come with the whole dating scene whether it be online or in person at a club. You will get your fair share of pervs. I've heard those cringe worthy stories from friends as well.
I stayed away from them for so long, and I'm still leery about it. But I did give in last night. I signed up for Zoosk. The free version of course, cuz I'm so damn cheap and I don't know how the profile thing works. If I want to put my full effort into this then I will pay for the damn thing, but for now my half-hearted attempt at this online dating thing will be free for now.
I started to think why did I do it? Why did I choose to give in now?
Loneliness?
While everyone around me are happy in relationships, I am happy in my solitude, I really am, but yes, it does get lonely.  When I think of the fact that I do like to be by my myself a lot, does this mean that a "serious" relationship won't work because I will want them to leave me alone for a bit. Yeah, then that won't work. I got dumped 2 years ago because I liked my solitude. That was a 6 year relationship. I pushed and pushed and closed off and he finally had enough, I don't blame him for it. I see this process continuing through my next relationship if I have one, unless this guy can hold my attention, I'm doomed to be alone.
I don't know what I want.
___________________________________
6/16/14 - Update
So Zoosk is not free anymore for me. I paid the 1 month sub. After paying it, I immediately realized what a waste of money I just spent. After the month is over, I will not renew my sub. I don't know what I was thinking. Like I said earlier, I have no idea what to do on those sites, what to say, how to say it.  I'm terrible at promoting myself (cuz that's just what you're doing). I'm comfortable writing things out yes, but making myself sound likeable and being honest about it is rather hard. I have a terrible habit of reverting everything to a joke. It's a defense mechanism to be honest. If I'm faced with a question I have a hard time answering truthfully, most of the time I get nervous and I hide behind humor.
Like I got asked the question, "What are you looking for?"
I immediately typed back "My cigarettes, I thought I left them on the counter"
I knew he was asking what I was looking for in a partner. I eventually answered maybe not truthfully. But I did say "I don't know, I have no expectations" It was partially true. I say go out a couple of times and see what comes of it. But I think my indecisiveness scared him away.
I realized that dating sites are not for me. Does it seem like I'd just talk to anyone?... not really I'm terribly shy and when I get the request to chat. I freak out like a little bitch and say "decline". Don't know what's wrong with me. That's what you signed up for idiot. But when a cute guy wants to talk to you and you chicken out. Way to fail hard. Oh yeah and you know whats funny, Zoosk has the "smartpicks" where they pair you up with people that you have the most in common with... Tell me why I am getting all people that looks like they are all into themselves? like seriously, meat heads that have profile pics of themselves lifting weights or flexing infront of the mirror /sigh I don't think I answered the questions like a meathead lover. So to reiterate my point... Skully + dating sites = no bueno.
I noticed why I gravitate to the younger men (not like statutory young). I have more in common with them, which is sad because they say that boys mature slower then girls. I'm a tomboy, a gamer, I'm girly to a point, but I do spit and swear like a sailor, and I'd say I've matured just as slow as a boy. Career wise, I'm not where a 33 year old woman is supposed to be. Oh yes, I can grantee there are a lot of women out there my age and in the same boat as me. It's just depressing when I think about it. But I live my life answering to no one and doing whatever I want. And for the most part I am happy.
I have no kids, I have no husband (let alone a boyfriend), I have no career aspirations, I have no intention of pursuing a promotion at my job. Men my age want that in their partner, a career driven women. I just want someone who can take care of themselves, cuz I do just fine supporting myself. A good job, and no dramas. Oh and penis size... size matters. fo realz. And you would think I was joking right there... but I wasn't.

Sympathy

Although this is a very broad topic this will focus on a specific topic that I decided not to put in the title.
The sympathy I have for people wanting to commit suicide.... I have none.
I have no sympathy for people wanting to end their life because they feel it's not going to get better and they have no other option. To me it's selfish. You say you'll do it because you think everyone will be better off if you weren't there. How the fuck can you say shit like that? You don't know how they feel, because you don't care to see past all your problems and see all the people in your life that care about you.You don't think about the people that will be negatively affected by your weak decision. Especially if you have a family and kids. The aftermath of you going through with it doesn't cross your mind. To them, you committing suicide just showed how much having them in your life means nothing. Their feelings and love for you couldn't make you see the positive in this world. The lives you've created couldn't let you see that you have something worth living for. You'd rather kill yourself then watch your children live their lives and see what they grow up to be. That to me is sad and terribly selfish. Especially when people chose to die because of a relationship issue that didn't work out. Like I said, they do it for attention. Your heart is strong it will heal and you will move on. But only the weak dwell in the past and let it eat you up so much that you feel like ending your life because your poor little heart got broken once.
When you see no value in your life that you chose to take your own, you shit on the ones that were taken from this world before their time. People that want to live, that fight to live, people that struggle, that go through worse shit then you but end up getting taken from their loved ones far too soon. When you see someone laying in a hospital bed literally fighting for their life makes you appreciate yours even more. Someone laying there that was once so full of life and the kindest person anyone would ever meet. Never had a bad bone in her body, everything to live for. Struggling to live and fighting so hard but ultimately taken by an illness. And people take their lives so lightly.
When you think of people in the Military that go and fight for this country and lost their lives fighting for your freedom, for you to have all the opportunity in this world... you shit on them too.
Accidents that happen to innocent bystanders... yeah, them too.
Everyone who valued the life they were given but died too soon, envies you. You are still breathing... you still have life... But you would rather die. It wasn't their choice to go, and selfish you playing with your life that it means nothing.

I am speaking as someone who has not had anyone close to me commit suicide. I have seen friends go through losing their loved ones and the devastation it caused. People talking to me about their dabble in the attempt to do it. I am always going to be concerned, but it is just a desperate cry for help and sadly most times, attention. I have sympathy to a point, but as they keep talking and the sounds of selfishness comes out of their mouth... anger and resentment build up in me and my restraint to tell them to "fuckin' just get over it" is really put to the test.